Kates Blog

So when I was over at Albert’s house earlier today, we made brownies, watched a good ol’ Zombie movie and of course, wrote a How To. I just copied this off his blog, but here’s his version of how do have sex…Take my advice and do not listen to it. Well, at least not past Step 17, people.

1. Set the mood by lighting some candles and incense that makes the room smell like Chinese rain.
2. Invite your woman in and start by slowly taking off her shirt and tell her that you are going to give her a sensual back massage.
3. DO NOT USE OIL!
4. Use this opportunity to lie her down on the bed and un-clip her bra saying “I don’t want it to get in the way…” (Of her boobies!)
5. Then whip off your shirt very quickly, cut it off with a knife if necessary.
6. Proceed to massage her back, look elsewhere for how to do this.
7. Slowly lean down and kiss her on the neck. Her reaction will tell you how horny she is. If she moans deeply, your in.
8. If she doesn’t… well you better take some massage classes and get her a shitload of chocolate.
9. Rub your hands along her sides, softly pressing and gently dragging your fingers after your pressing palms to make her tingle. Reach around in front and unbutton her pants.
10. Slowly, while still massaging her body, pull her pants down gently. Just her pants, not her underwear.
11. Next start to kiss her neck again. Start from the bottom kissing gently and passionately, the time for toe-curling hickey kisses is later. Kiss your way up to her ear and gently lick her in a sensual manor. Don’t start licking her like the family dog does, only use the tip of your tongue.
12. Slowly turn her over and toss her bra off to the side and immediately kiss her on the lips. Don’t go ballistic and shove your tongue down her throat like your trying to get at her dinner.
13. Move your hands up her sides, gently at first and slide them up onto her boobs. Be very gentle but firm at the same time. You want her to know your a man but still can control yourself.
14. Hopefully she will be unbuckling your pants, slide out of them and push them off the bed.
15. Reach down and slowly slider your fingers under the elastic of her underwear. If she doesn’t protest slide them all the way down. If she does… consider that she might be on her period.
16. Wait till she has started to take off your boxers.
17. Flip her over onto her stomach again and grab her by the hips and lift her butt in the air.
18. FUCK HER RAW!